Fail, Fail, Fail

It’s ridiculously late… or early, whichever you prefer… but I had coffee, and I can’t stop thinking, no matter how hard I try.

The last month has been amazing.  I’ve been growing deeper in my relationship with God than ever before and He continues to reveal His heart more and more to me every day.  The problem is, Satan really hates that.

The last couple weeks I’ve been being pounded with all of these doubts and fears and I’m sick of it.  I feel like nothing I do is ever enough and that I fail over, and over, and over again.  People try to encourage me, but general statements such as “you’re a good person who cares about people and loves Jesus” aren’t specific enough.  I need specifics- individual unique ways that God is using my life, and lately, I haven’t been seeing them.  I keep hearing:

You’re a failure as an RA.  You don’t know your girls well enough.  You don’t reach out to them enough.  You haven’t handled this whole moving situation well.  They need you and you’ve failed.  You haven’t been giving enough effort in your classes.  You never speak up in class- No one at ENC will even remember your name after graduation.  Heck, no one remembers your name now.  You are fat and ugly.  No man is ever going to want you.  You are completely awkward and shy and never know what to say when someone needs you.  You lack discipline.  You have superficial friendships and it’s all your fault.  You disappoint people and aren’t reliable in little things, like returning e-mails and phone calls on time.  You don’t call home enough.  You don’t respect your parents enough.  You aren’t close enough to your brother and sister and you cause more problems than you solve.  You are irresponsible with money and time.  People really don’t want you around.  You are a failure.

So, this is me calling Satan out.  You, sir, are a liar.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves me enough to die for me.  My worth is not determined by my actions but by the precious blood spilled for my salvation.  When God looks at me He doesn’t see my flaws, He sees the priceless blood of his Son.  I have value in the eyes of a Power far greater than you, and He is going to use me in spite of all of my flaws.  You lose.

I needed to write that down.  Maybe now I can get some sleep.  God is good!

Restless

I think I’m bored.  I’m getting itchy for something exciting to happen in my life and I’m so frustrated with where I am right now.  I love learning, and I love ENC, but I feel like I could be doing something so much bigger than studying for classes that are teaching me how to care for people while I sit in a classroom.  Nothing seems like it fits right now, and every idea about my future just frustrates me.  I love my friends, but I’m feeling restless like before and I want a change of view and of people.  I’ve been wondering lately if all the moving I did as a kid has left me completely inept at building long lasting relationships and it’s terrifying.  Maybe I’m far more Ingalls than I thought.  (If anyone actually understands that reference, respond.  We are now best friends.)  I’m in this perpetual state of boredom and frustration that I can’t really define or explain, and in the words of my hero, Miss Jo March: “I’m just so frightful and I know that I’ll just never fit in anywhere.”  I’m feeling frightful.  And frightened.

I got thinking the other night about all of the passions that God has been putting on my heart.  I care about so much with so much intensity, but I have no direction.  In some ways I would love to just pick up, move to Haiti and open an orphanage.  Or I could move to the Congo and work with women ravaged by rape and violence as a result of the war.  Or I could work to end the cycle of human trafficking, teach English in the Dominican, provide medical services to AIDS victims, or stay in the US working with broken and hurting teenagers.  I care about so much, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, and I’m scared.  I’m scared that no matter what direction I take, I will fail.  I won’t be able to connect with people well enough, and I won’t know how to react to the pain I see.  I have friends here who depend on my for advice and a listening ear, and I don’t know what to say to them- what am I supposed to say to a young woman who is pregnant with her rapist’s baby?  What happens when I’m shy and uncomfortable in a situation where I’m supposed to be bold and speak out? I know that God can do anything with a life consecrated to Him, but I think Satan’s having a field day with my perfectionism.  Above all, I just don’t want to embarrass God.  

This year I’m praying for boldness.  My AMAZING friend Victoria made me a poster with a version of Ephesians 3:12 on it that says, “When we trust God we are free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go.”  That’s kind of become my theme for being a resident’s assistant this year, and it’s becoming my prayer for 2011.  I pray that God will open my mouth when I am afraid to speak and to give me words inspired by His heart.   I pray that He will give me the courage to be vulnerable and to try and fail.  I pray that He stretch and form me into an instrument that He can use, no matter the cost to myself, and that He will take every insecurity and flaw and broadcast them to the world if He can be glorified in the process. 

 

Sorry this was so long- I love you guys!

Unveiled

I am writing a blog. Me. The one who thinks this whole posting your whole life on a computer is stupid and asking for drama. Please feel free to judge me for it later, but I think God is doing something here.  Something bigger than me and my pride and my stubborn opinions... we'll see!

A friend of mine, who has challenged and inspired me more than he knows, recently told me that I need to let people know me.  I thought, wow, that's silly... I haven't been hiding!  Recently, though, I've begun to see just how right he was.  I have a lot of thoughts, dreams, fears, etc. that I don't let most (if any) people see, and in some way I have been robbing God of the opportunity to show off his creativity and work in my life.  A great friend of mine, Melissa, is about to head out on this amazing adventure called the World Race in which she will be doing missions work in 11 different countries in 11 months (amazing, right???) and she has been sharing with me just how terrifying it is to be completely transparent with others, but also how mightily God can use such honesty to bring people to Him.  And that's what my life is all about, right? So, that's what I'm going to attempt to do: allow myself to be "known," as best as that can be done via the internet.

Last Sunday, the pastor spoke on the passage: 2 Corinthians 3:18, which shockingly was right along the lines of what God has been calling me and several other friends out on recently.  It says: "And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."  Now, I want nothing more than to be exactly like Jesus.  I want to look like him, sound like him, love like him, and in a lot of ways I've been working really hard in my own strength to "perfect" myself.  So, first of all, God completely convicted me of that: it's by his grace alone and through the work of the Holy Spirit that that happens.  However, the part that really hit me was the "unveiled faces" part. To remove a veil from a woman's face is to remove her protection and her security.  It is to make her completely vulnerable, showing herself as she is: broken and flawed.  It is stripping back everything that we hide behind and coming before our Father completely vulnerable.  Recently I realized that up until this year, I have never been truly vulnerable before. I have never laid down the shield that keeps my heart safe, and that by doing that I have held back from God the opportunity to use my brokenness, struggles, and thoughts to touch other people.  Abba, please forgive me.

So, this is it.  This is me being obedient.  On New Years, a friend from my home church gave us the challenge of picking one word for the year and to make it our theme in our spiritual lives.  My word, which I'm sure by now you have all guessed, is....(drum roll, please....) Unveiled.  I'm going to attempt to be diligent in sharing the things that God is laying on my heart in the best way that I know how.  Yeah.

So... keep reading and hold me accountable to the promise that I've made.

Love you all!