I think I’m bored. I’m getting itchy for something exciting to happen in my life and I’m so frustrated with where I am right now. I love learning, and I love ENC, but I feel like I could be doing something so much bigger than studying for classes that are teaching me how to care for people while I sit in a classroom. Nothing seems like it fits right now, and every idea about my future just frustrates me. I love my friends, but I’m feeling restless like before and I want a change of view and of people. I’ve been wondering lately if all the moving I did as a kid has left me completely inept at building long lasting relationships and it’s terrifying. Maybe I’m far more Ingalls than I thought. (If anyone actually understands that reference, respond. We are now best friends.) I’m in this perpetual state of boredom and frustration that I can’t really define or explain, and in the words of my hero, Miss Jo March: “I’m just so frightful and I know that I’ll just never fit in anywhere.” I’m feeling frightful. And frightened.
I got thinking the other night about all of the passions that God has been putting on my heart. I care about so much with so much intensity, but I have no direction. In some ways I would love to just pick up, move to Haiti and open an orphanage. Or I could move to the Congo and work with women ravaged by rape and violence as a result of the war. Or I could work to end the cycle of human trafficking, teach English in the Dominican, provide medical services to AIDS victims, or stay in the US working with broken and hurting teenagers. I care about so much, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, and I’m scared. I’m scared that no matter what direction I take, I will fail. I won’t be able to connect with people well enough, and I won’t know how to react to the pain I see. I have friends here who depend on my for advice and a listening ear, and I don’t know what to say to them- what am I supposed to say to a young woman who is pregnant with her rapist’s baby? What happens when I’m shy and uncomfortable in a situation where I’m supposed to be bold and speak out? I know that God can do anything with a life consecrated to Him, but I think Satan’s having a field day with my perfectionism. Above all, I just don’t want to embarrass God.
This year I’m praying for boldness. My AMAZING friend Victoria made me a poster with a version of Ephesians 3:12 on it that says, “When we trust God we are free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go.” That’s kind of become my theme for being a resident’s assistant this year, and it’s becoming my prayer for 2011. I pray that God will open my mouth when I am afraid to speak and to give me words inspired by His heart. I pray that He will give me the courage to be vulnerable and to try and fail. I pray that He stretch and form me into an instrument that He can use, no matter the cost to myself, and that He will take every insecurity and flaw and broadcast them to the world if He can be glorified in the process.
Sorry this was so long- I love you guys!
Thank you for being so open to share. Your level of vulnerability and questioning is inspiring. I honestly think you can do all of those things you talked about and plenty other awesome things. I know whatever you do God has an amazing plan for your life. You have been such a blessing already. Keep in mind though, you fail based on your goals. Is your goal to do this or do that or is your goal to love folks like Jesus? 'Cause that you've already done a great job of already. I don't think you're going to embarrass God. He loves you and is proud of you. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI know you're restless but we all need that time of preparation--I'd love to be on the race now but I knew I needed to leave in July--there's more work to be done. And besides I'm pretty sure some of your residents are broken and hurting teenagers, what a great opportunity to minister and serve surrounded by others who want to help! YOU CAN DO IT!
ReplyDeleteI find it admirable that you have put yourself out in front of the world with a bare heart. God is so proud of you for leaving yourself vulnerable in this situation. He knows all our fears and trials but He walks with us. I know it's super cheesy but that doesn't make it any less true. Your passion(s) for helping people are such a blessing and just because you have not found an outlet for them doesn't mean they are without direction. God has been planning your life around the desires He placed on your heart. He will unveil His will when the time is right. God has recently been teaching me what it truly means to relinquish control and have active faith in His plan. Don't be afraid of the unknown; be restless with excitement for what He has to come!
ReplyDeleteLove you :)
Hang in there half-pint :) God's work in a masterpiece, you could be sitting in a classroom being a friend to someone who needs you to show them God's love. I know your at ENC but right now, at this very moment, you are exactly where God wants you to be...sometimes I have to remind myself that. Hang in there girl! Continue to live for him and be his hands and feet!
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