It’s ridiculously late… or early, whichever you prefer… but I had coffee, and I can’t stop thinking, no matter how hard I try.
The last month has been amazing. I’ve been growing deeper in my relationship with God than ever before and He continues to reveal His heart more and more to me every day. The problem is, Satan really hates that.
The last couple weeks I’ve been being pounded with all of these doubts and fears and I’m sick of it. I feel like nothing I do is ever enough and that I fail over, and over, and over again. People try to encourage me, but general statements such as “you’re a good person who cares about people and loves Jesus” aren’t specific enough. I need specifics- individual unique ways that God is using my life, and lately, I haven’t been seeing them. I keep hearing:
You’re a failure as an RA. You don’t know your girls well enough. You don’t reach out to them enough. You haven’t handled this whole moving situation well. They need you and you’ve failed. You haven’t been giving enough effort in your classes. You never speak up in class- No one at ENC will even remember your name after graduation. Heck, no one remembers your name now. You are fat and ugly. No man is ever going to want you. You are completely awkward and shy and never know what to say when someone needs you. You lack discipline. You have superficial friendships and it’s all your fault. You disappoint people and aren’t reliable in little things, like returning e-mails and phone calls on time. You don’t call home enough. You don’t respect your parents enough. You aren’t close enough to your brother and sister and you cause more problems than you solve. You are irresponsible with money and time. People really don’t want you around. You are a failure.
So, this is me calling Satan out. You, sir, are a liar. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves me enough to die for me. My worth is not determined by my actions but by the precious blood spilled for my salvation. When God looks at me He doesn’t see my flaws, He sees the priceless blood of his Son. I have value in the eyes of a Power far greater than you, and He is going to use me in spite of all of my flaws. You lose.
I needed to write that down. Maybe now I can get some sleep. God is good!
How wise you are to identify the source of these thoughts and fire back with the truth of His Word. I know what it is like to be constantly bombarded with feelings of failure. You must take each thought captive to what you know is true. Your sensitive spirit and desire to please others and make a difference are precious gifts, but they can also give Satan a foothold if you let them. Laying it out in beautiful vulnerability in your blog takes some of the enemy's ammunition away, too..."what will they think if they really knew me?"
ReplyDeleteCan I give you some encouragement from this small corner of your sphere of influence? When you are home you bring such life! You have a way of drawing us out and drawing us together. Your laughter and wit and fun with words spur us all to enjoy life and each other more.
Time after time over the holidays I took a snap shot of you in my mind and marveled at your beauty. Now I have always thought you were pretty, but something about what the Lord has been growing in you while you're away is bringing out a striking sparkle in your eyes. Your smile reaches to your toes, your hair shines, your charm dances around my heart...you are unmistakably beautiful!
And you're skilled! I watched and listened as you worked with your willful and opinionated (though precious) little sister. You used humor and teasing and fun to diffuse situations that I would have escalated. You showed a depth of patience and diligence and grace and generosity with her and others that could have only been through the Holy Spirit.
I also marvel at your confidence and bravery. Taking on the responsibilities and challenge of the RA position...putting yourself out there for summer ministry...difficult relationship stands...sharing yourself in humility...meeting the challenges of a tough academic load...and dreaming big, passionate dreams.......you are so STRONG!!! Can I make a confession? Remember the little plaque we got for your room that spelled out your name and its meaning? The part about being brave...I claimed that for you. I couldn't honestly see it at the time. You were so shy and still hid behind my skirts when people tried to speak to you at church. Well, our faithful Father is working that miracle in you! Just like your Aunt Elsie, you are an incredibly brave, passionate, fun and beautiful woman! I can't wait to see how the rest of His plan unfolds for you, when you've come so far so young. Keep learning, waiting and trusting...you'll see.