Psalm 139

This morning during my missions trip meeting  we did a journaling exercise on Psalm 139 and God really spoke to me about a lot of things, so I thought I’d share.

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

Confession:  I am really nervous about this mission trip.  I think I am most nervous that I’ll be awkward and be put in positions with new people where I won’t know what to say or that I’ll just freeze.  I’ll be working with these kids who will think I’m completely and totally ridiculous or I’ll say something completely wrong and offend someone or something.  Really, it all comes down to my pride.  The great thing is, though, God knows these anxieties and what’s really going on underneath when I’m pretending to play it cool.  “Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.” God already knows my heart and my intentions.  He will guide my words and the situations in which I find myself.  He can use my awkwardness and failures to communicate hope and love and work in spite of my weaknesses.

That first verse:  “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.”  Metaphorically, what is it that makes us sit or rise?  I sit when I am fatigued and overwhelmed.  I collapse when I don’t have the strength to go on or when my heart is broken.  He knows that friends’ struggles with depression make me feel overwhelmed and hopeless.  He knows how angry I get when I see the injustice of poverty.  He knows the way I sobbed each time we moved and the way my heart screamed when it was broken for the first time by a stupid boy.  At the same time, He knows what brings me to my feet.  I stand in times of joy, when I feel too passionate to stay still.  He knows the things that make me confident and feel on top of the world.  He knows the joy that comes when I get to cheer on my brother and sister as they perform.  He knows the way music and harmony make me feel and the conviction and passion that I feel when I “preach.”  He knows the way I love flowers and books and color and what makes me feel pretty.  He is the God who knows me intimately and passionately, like no one else does, and who loves me and cares about those things that cause me to “sit and rise.”

Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Another confession:  This year, I had my heart broken in what felt like a pretty big way, and I have been struggling to forgive the people who hurt me.  I’ve been going through this terrifying bitterness where I just kind of let myself wallow in my hurt and the injustice that was done to me.  I hate that.  I have always been the strong optimist who never let herself wallow in anything and pushed through with this weird, driven positivity.  Recently, I’ve simultaneously wanted to be that strong, positive person again, and to scream about how angry and hurt I am and hate the people who did the hurting. I don’t always want to be very Christian- I don’t want these other people to be happy.  God has been convicting me of this in such a big way- my prayer now is that He know all of this bitterness, these offensive thoughts, and purify me.  I so want to be free of this burden and these somewhat inconsequential sorrows, and to be holy and Christ-like.  I want to be able to love these people, not holding onto any hurt or anger.   That’s my prayer.

(There are also like a gazillion more verses of Psalm 139… you should def go look those up too!)