Believing Thomas

Today at church Pastor Kaja spoke about the disciple Thomas, and I got a little bit of a different perspective on the poor guy.  Thomas has kinda gotten the short end of the stick.  The only thing that anyone remembers about him is how he messed up when he doubted Jesus.  No one remembers that he was a great evangelist and missionary and that he was the first to bring the gospel to India, or that he started 7 1/2 churches there that have survived to this day. Nope. He doubted.

I think this is the single most encouraging story that I have ever heard.  I have a friend who has been on my heart for the last year who has been having a horrible time believing in Jesus.  He's good with God, but Jesus is that "stone that causes him to stumble."  I love this friend with my whole heart and have been praying desperately that God open his eyes, but I confess that until today, I haven't been praying with faith that it will happen.  Today in church I felt God telling me, that if He can prove to Thomas that His Son is raised from the dead, He can sure as heck get through to my friend.  If Jesus can walk through walls to appear to Thomas so that he can put his hand in Christ's hands and side, he can certainly show himself to my friend in a very real way.

Jesus must have desperately loved Thomas.  Thomas was the inquisitive one, always asking questions.  In fact, he was the one asking when the other disciples were too chicken to admit that they didn't know what was going on. In John, when Lazarus was sick and Jesus was going to go back to Jerusalem (where the teachers of the law were trying to kill him), Thomas was the first to say, "let us go and die with him."  Thomas was brave.  I think I want to be like Thomas.  And I think Jesus must have loved him something awful.  He went out of His way to appear especially to Thomas, showing him amazing mercy and patience.  He clearly wanted Thomas to know Him and to know that He was alive.  Thomas mattered. 

Jesus is especially fond of my friend too.  In Matthew, Jesus talks about leaving the 99 sheep to go in search of the 1 who is missing.  I had forgotten about that.  The Father is in pursuit of my friend, and I have complete faith that He will catch him.  And when he does, I cannot wait to see the outcome.  Thomas changed the world for Christ despite his doubt, in fact, I would argue that his time of doubt strengthened his future faith.  My friend has so many extraordinary gifts that God will use to transform the lives of those with whom he comes in contact, and I can't wait to see it happen.  I have confidence that God will do this and I love Him for the love that He has for us.

Faithful

I just need to praise God!

He continues to remind me every single day of His undying faithfulness to me and that He has been in every step along the way.  This week has just been full of reminder after reminder of how much He loves me and that He has plans for me far beyond what I could ever imagine.

I had the opportunity to help someone I don't even know out financially last week, and in doing so, took a rather dramatic leap of faith that God would provide.  The next day, I was offered a job for next year that will more than cover my expenses.  The next week I was given a scholarship that I didn't even know existed.  God is providing in AMAZING ways!!! AND, two of my best friends are now fully funded for their missions trips this summer.  My roommate had someone walk up to her and offer to pay for the entire trip!  Who can say that these two people have not been called by God to these countries when He has SO dramatically provided????? If you haven't read Isaiah 41:9-10 recently, you should get on that.

Even more dramatic: my God is a God of reconciliation and restoration.  If you read my last post, you know that a dear friend has been on my mind a lot recently, and that my heart has been broken about the rift between us.  Today, I talked to that friend for the first time since September and had the opportunity to ask forgiveness.  I've been praying for reconciliation with that person for the last 7 months, and God orchestrated it in ways that I never could have.  I love Him for His goodness to me and for the way He speaks to my heart and I need everyone to know that.


Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him, all you peoples.  For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.  Praise the Lord.  Psalm 117:1-2

Dear Friend,

The letter that I will never send, but will always want to send.

 

Dear friend,

            I saw you walking by today with a broken look on your face and my arms physically ached to hold you and let you know that everything will be alright.  I would have given everything to be able to text you and ask about your day.  Do you know what it is to love someone so much that you would give your very life for them but not be able to tell them?

            What happened to us?  I know that I made that final call, but I want you to know that it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do.  I cried for months afterward and I still wonder every day if I made the right decision.  I’m terrified that what I did with the best intentions only served to push you closer to the edge and I will regret the decision that I had to make for the rest of my life.

            You were my brother and my best friend and I loved you more than I can say.  A year later I still get the urge to text you, and when my heart was hurt all I wanted was a hug that told me you still cared and that the boy was wrong.  I miss the way we laughed and the way you defended me.  Some days I would give everything for another walk to the beach.

            Despite all of this doubt and these feelings, I’ve given you to the One who loves you more than I ever could.  I give you to the One who is more than able to bridge this chasm now between us and to heal what has been broken.  In the end, I followed Him in the only way I knew how, and I pray with my whole heart that He grabs your heart once more and reminds you of His love.  I can’t bear the thought of you going through this life without knowing a relationship with your Father, and the thought of spending eternity without you makes it hard to breathe.   

I’ll love you, brother, until the day I die, and I won’t stop praying for you until then.  

Love always,
   Chelsie

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

So 'bout that blogging regularly and staying on top of this.... yeah...

ANYWAY.... This week has been a wee bit stressful.  And by wee I mean REALLY stressful.  I have been freaking out about the amount of work that I have to do and realizing very quickly that there aren't enough ours in the day, or rather, semester.  I have roughly three 10-15 page research papers to work on- one being exegetical in nature, another 4-6 page exegetical paper (religion majors sympathize), an interview, two arts and music papers involving concerts I have to attend,  a book critique- meaning I actually have to read the book, not to mention all of the day to day reading and work that already takes me hours a night. Plus, I have a job and I need to be planning floor events and attending meetings, etc, not to mention Gospel Choir and other ministries. Oh... and I have people I'm actually supposed to interact with (friends, family, etc.) I've been freaking out, not gonna lie, and now I apologize for unloading all of that... deep breath, everything will be fine. :)

Needless to say, I have not been a ray of sunshine lately, and for that I apologize.  My roommate is a saint for putting up with me!  Those of you who know me know that I am a hard core perfectionist, competitive to a fault, especially concerning academics.  I need A's, and will push myself to the limit to get them.  Now, sometimes this is really good!  Scholarships are nice, and I do actually learn a lot and it's good to know that I've done my best, but in the long run, I'm really just good at making myself and others miserable. :)

Tuesday night, while I was doing homework (go figure), God really called me out on my attitude.  I was reading for World Religions about the importance of prayer in Judaism (super cool- go research!) and started to get convicted about how much time I have really spent seeking God in quietness and humility.  All of a sudden, all I wanted to do was sit in silence and cover my head in humility and awe of this AMAZING God.  That night God reminded me of the story of Mary and Martha.  I am so much like Martha it's insane, and God knows that.  Martha had the best intentions, cooking and preparing for Jesus and his disciples, serving in the best way that she knew how, and there's nothing wrong with that- in fact that kind of service is a good thing!  What Jesus valued more, however, was Mary sitting at his feet adoring him and being in relationship with him. 

I felt God ask me, "Why are you striving so hard? What is the ultimate goal?"  Now, my goal has always been to serve God with everything I am and to fulfill the purpose that He has for me.  I want to do my best in school so that I can handle the two majors I think He has called me to, and so that I can go to grad school to fulfill his plan for my life.  What God said, though, was, "I have called you to be in relationship with me and to glorify me in all that you do.  If your striving is getting in the way of our relationship, and in your relationships with the others that I love, you are failing.  You can glorify me without straight A's.  You don't have to fulfill my purpose for you on your own- that's my job, and that's where trust comes in. What I want is your best- give what you can, keeping your priorities straight, and I will take care of the rest." .........Duh. How have I been missing that for the last, oh, I don't know, forever?  To know that God has it is so freeing!

On Wednesday, I was still really thinking about all of this, and wishing that I had the chance to really just get away and be with God, but not being able to figure out how to do it in my schedule.  Once again, God's got it! Arts and Music was canceled!  I got to go spend a good forty-five minutes in silence and prayer, and God led me to Isaiah 55.  Basically, God asks, "why do you labor for what will not satisfy?" He offers life through relationship with Him, saying "give ear to me that you may live." At this point, I'm pretty much freaking out... I love it when God grabs hold of me and just repeatedly hits me over the head with truth that He knows I really need to hear.  The same night we sang "All Who Are Thirsty," in Gospel Choir, a song based off of Isaiah 55. How cool is God?????

Anywho... be encouraged.  I know that everyone is crazy stressed right now, but take heart in the fact that God has the situation under control and that He will fulfill the plans that He has for you.  Give Him your best, keeping in mind that relationship is what He truly wants, and experience the joy and peace that He longs to offer.  I know that I am feeling better about life now that I've been reminded. :)

Small Enough

I have no idea how I haven't heard this song before tonight, but I've decided that it's one of my new favorites.  It's also exactly where I am right now, and I'm listening to it on repeat, and just feel like I need to crawl into my Daddy Jesus' lap, so I thought I would share the lyrics with you all.

Small Enough by Nichole Nordeman

Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.

All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.
But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.
Are You there?

And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Psalm 139

This morning during my missions trip meeting  we did a journaling exercise on Psalm 139 and God really spoke to me about a lot of things, so I thought I’d share.

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

Confession:  I am really nervous about this mission trip.  I think I am most nervous that I’ll be awkward and be put in positions with new people where I won’t know what to say or that I’ll just freeze.  I’ll be working with these kids who will think I’m completely and totally ridiculous or I’ll say something completely wrong and offend someone or something.  Really, it all comes down to my pride.  The great thing is, though, God knows these anxieties and what’s really going on underneath when I’m pretending to play it cool.  “Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.” God already knows my heart and my intentions.  He will guide my words and the situations in which I find myself.  He can use my awkwardness and failures to communicate hope and love and work in spite of my weaknesses.

That first verse:  “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.”  Metaphorically, what is it that makes us sit or rise?  I sit when I am fatigued and overwhelmed.  I collapse when I don’t have the strength to go on or when my heart is broken.  He knows that friends’ struggles with depression make me feel overwhelmed and hopeless.  He knows how angry I get when I see the injustice of poverty.  He knows the way I sobbed each time we moved and the way my heart screamed when it was broken for the first time by a stupid boy.  At the same time, He knows what brings me to my feet.  I stand in times of joy, when I feel too passionate to stay still.  He knows the things that make me confident and feel on top of the world.  He knows the joy that comes when I get to cheer on my brother and sister as they perform.  He knows the way music and harmony make me feel and the conviction and passion that I feel when I “preach.”  He knows the way I love flowers and books and color and what makes me feel pretty.  He is the God who knows me intimately and passionately, like no one else does, and who loves me and cares about those things that cause me to “sit and rise.”

Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Another confession:  This year, I had my heart broken in what felt like a pretty big way, and I have been struggling to forgive the people who hurt me.  I’ve been going through this terrifying bitterness where I just kind of let myself wallow in my hurt and the injustice that was done to me.  I hate that.  I have always been the strong optimist who never let herself wallow in anything and pushed through with this weird, driven positivity.  Recently, I’ve simultaneously wanted to be that strong, positive person again, and to scream about how angry and hurt I am and hate the people who did the hurting. I don’t always want to be very Christian- I don’t want these other people to be happy.  God has been convicting me of this in such a big way- my prayer now is that He know all of this bitterness, these offensive thoughts, and purify me.  I so want to be free of this burden and these somewhat inconsequential sorrows, and to be holy and Christ-like.  I want to be able to love these people, not holding onto any hurt or anger.   That’s my prayer.

(There are also like a gazillion more verses of Psalm 139… you should def go look those up too!)

Fail, Fail, Fail

It’s ridiculously late… or early, whichever you prefer… but I had coffee, and I can’t stop thinking, no matter how hard I try.

The last month has been amazing.  I’ve been growing deeper in my relationship with God than ever before and He continues to reveal His heart more and more to me every day.  The problem is, Satan really hates that.

The last couple weeks I’ve been being pounded with all of these doubts and fears and I’m sick of it.  I feel like nothing I do is ever enough and that I fail over, and over, and over again.  People try to encourage me, but general statements such as “you’re a good person who cares about people and loves Jesus” aren’t specific enough.  I need specifics- individual unique ways that God is using my life, and lately, I haven’t been seeing them.  I keep hearing:

You’re a failure as an RA.  You don’t know your girls well enough.  You don’t reach out to them enough.  You haven’t handled this whole moving situation well.  They need you and you’ve failed.  You haven’t been giving enough effort in your classes.  You never speak up in class- No one at ENC will even remember your name after graduation.  Heck, no one remembers your name now.  You are fat and ugly.  No man is ever going to want you.  You are completely awkward and shy and never know what to say when someone needs you.  You lack discipline.  You have superficial friendships and it’s all your fault.  You disappoint people and aren’t reliable in little things, like returning e-mails and phone calls on time.  You don’t call home enough.  You don’t respect your parents enough.  You aren’t close enough to your brother and sister and you cause more problems than you solve.  You are irresponsible with money and time.  People really don’t want you around.  You are a failure.

So, this is me calling Satan out.  You, sir, are a liar.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves me enough to die for me.  My worth is not determined by my actions but by the precious blood spilled for my salvation.  When God looks at me He doesn’t see my flaws, He sees the priceless blood of his Son.  I have value in the eyes of a Power far greater than you, and He is going to use me in spite of all of my flaws.  You lose.

I needed to write that down.  Maybe now I can get some sleep.  God is good!

Restless

I think I’m bored.  I’m getting itchy for something exciting to happen in my life and I’m so frustrated with where I am right now.  I love learning, and I love ENC, but I feel like I could be doing something so much bigger than studying for classes that are teaching me how to care for people while I sit in a classroom.  Nothing seems like it fits right now, and every idea about my future just frustrates me.  I love my friends, but I’m feeling restless like before and I want a change of view and of people.  I’ve been wondering lately if all the moving I did as a kid has left me completely inept at building long lasting relationships and it’s terrifying.  Maybe I’m far more Ingalls than I thought.  (If anyone actually understands that reference, respond.  We are now best friends.)  I’m in this perpetual state of boredom and frustration that I can’t really define or explain, and in the words of my hero, Miss Jo March: “I’m just so frightful and I know that I’ll just never fit in anywhere.”  I’m feeling frightful.  And frightened.

I got thinking the other night about all of the passions that God has been putting on my heart.  I care about so much with so much intensity, but I have no direction.  In some ways I would love to just pick up, move to Haiti and open an orphanage.  Or I could move to the Congo and work with women ravaged by rape and violence as a result of the war.  Or I could work to end the cycle of human trafficking, teach English in the Dominican, provide medical services to AIDS victims, or stay in the US working with broken and hurting teenagers.  I care about so much, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, and I’m scared.  I’m scared that no matter what direction I take, I will fail.  I won’t be able to connect with people well enough, and I won’t know how to react to the pain I see.  I have friends here who depend on my for advice and a listening ear, and I don’t know what to say to them- what am I supposed to say to a young woman who is pregnant with her rapist’s baby?  What happens when I’m shy and uncomfortable in a situation where I’m supposed to be bold and speak out? I know that God can do anything with a life consecrated to Him, but I think Satan’s having a field day with my perfectionism.  Above all, I just don’t want to embarrass God.  

This year I’m praying for boldness.  My AMAZING friend Victoria made me a poster with a version of Ephesians 3:12 on it that says, “When we trust God we are free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go.”  That’s kind of become my theme for being a resident’s assistant this year, and it’s becoming my prayer for 2011.  I pray that God will open my mouth when I am afraid to speak and to give me words inspired by His heart.   I pray that He will give me the courage to be vulnerable and to try and fail.  I pray that He stretch and form me into an instrument that He can use, no matter the cost to myself, and that He will take every insecurity and flaw and broadcast them to the world if He can be glorified in the process. 

 

Sorry this was so long- I love you guys!

Unveiled

I am writing a blog. Me. The one who thinks this whole posting your whole life on a computer is stupid and asking for drama. Please feel free to judge me for it later, but I think God is doing something here.  Something bigger than me and my pride and my stubborn opinions... we'll see!

A friend of mine, who has challenged and inspired me more than he knows, recently told me that I need to let people know me.  I thought, wow, that's silly... I haven't been hiding!  Recently, though, I've begun to see just how right he was.  I have a lot of thoughts, dreams, fears, etc. that I don't let most (if any) people see, and in some way I have been robbing God of the opportunity to show off his creativity and work in my life.  A great friend of mine, Melissa, is about to head out on this amazing adventure called the World Race in which she will be doing missions work in 11 different countries in 11 months (amazing, right???) and she has been sharing with me just how terrifying it is to be completely transparent with others, but also how mightily God can use such honesty to bring people to Him.  And that's what my life is all about, right? So, that's what I'm going to attempt to do: allow myself to be "known," as best as that can be done via the internet.

Last Sunday, the pastor spoke on the passage: 2 Corinthians 3:18, which shockingly was right along the lines of what God has been calling me and several other friends out on recently.  It says: "And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."  Now, I want nothing more than to be exactly like Jesus.  I want to look like him, sound like him, love like him, and in a lot of ways I've been working really hard in my own strength to "perfect" myself.  So, first of all, God completely convicted me of that: it's by his grace alone and through the work of the Holy Spirit that that happens.  However, the part that really hit me was the "unveiled faces" part. To remove a veil from a woman's face is to remove her protection and her security.  It is to make her completely vulnerable, showing herself as she is: broken and flawed.  It is stripping back everything that we hide behind and coming before our Father completely vulnerable.  Recently I realized that up until this year, I have never been truly vulnerable before. I have never laid down the shield that keeps my heart safe, and that by doing that I have held back from God the opportunity to use my brokenness, struggles, and thoughts to touch other people.  Abba, please forgive me.

So, this is it.  This is me being obedient.  On New Years, a friend from my home church gave us the challenge of picking one word for the year and to make it our theme in our spiritual lives.  My word, which I'm sure by now you have all guessed, is....(drum roll, please....) Unveiled.  I'm going to attempt to be diligent in sharing the things that God is laying on my heart in the best way that I know how.  Yeah.

So... keep reading and hold me accountable to the promise that I've made.

Love you all!